dead.

Meh. I feel like complete shit. Nothing in my life ever goes right. Something someone said to me made me realize some things. Some things that I can't let happen. My mom and I are fighting alot, I feel completely alone, still.. :\. Idk what else to say.

Ki Ga Omoi..

See.. I've been tumbling down a hill.. Straight down.. to the pits.. Does he love me still? I'm not sure of my thoughts on life at the moment.. I'm so caught up in the past that the present and possible future is clouding my judgement because I have no room for me.. I feel completely alone.. I do.. I'm not sure what is wrong with me.. I'm just so depressed that I don't know what to do.. "Just hold my hand to show some concern if I.. Live or.. Die.." Fuck.. I've been this way for about the past three weeks.. I try to hide it.. It's just got to the point where I want to explode and cry.. I don't want to feel like this anymore.. I think I need to get help.. :x.. Maybe go see someone and get some depression meds or something.. I don't know.. I'm shaking at the moment.. Sad music.. My heart is broken.. I'm not sure what to do anymore.. I havent been eating much.. I feel so hungry but I know that since I am depressed that if I eat more than a little then I will use it as my crutch.. I feel so alone.. I hate being alone.. I really need to go do my homework.. But mama just turned the light out on me.. So I guess that's work for tomorrow.. I'm gonna curl up in bed and cry.. Good night everyone.

~ToO cOoL fOr ScHoOl~

Helloo! Lol, I'm bored.. I guess I have had a good week or so.. I had the flu.. I'm a senior this year.. I was supposed to graduate last year.. I'm stressing over this stupid ass AR.. I didn't know it was cut off tomorrow.. I have like 14 chapters left in my book.. I need to finish it before tomorrow, 4th hour.. Not good.. I'm off to go read.. <3

~MeMoRy~CaTs~AnDrEw LlOyD wEbBeR~ElAiNe PaIgE~

Daylight

See the dew on the sunflower

And a rose that is fading

Roses whither away

Like the sunflower

I yearn to turn my face to the dawn

I am waiting for the day . . .

Midnight

Not a sound from the pavement

Has the moon lost her memory?

She is smiling alone

In the lamplight

The withered leaves collect at my feet

And the wind begins to moan

Memory

All alone in the moonlight

I can smile at the old days

I was beautiful then

I remember the time I knew what happiness was

Let the memory live again

Every streetlamp

Seems to beat a fatalistic warning

Someone mutters

And the streetlamp gutters

And soon it will be morning

Daylight

I must wait for the sunrise

I must think of a new life

And I musn't give in

When the dawn comes

Tonight will be a memory too

And a new day will begin

Burnt out ends of smoky days

The stale cold smell of morning

The streetlamp dies, another night is over

Another day is dawning

Touch me

It's so easy to leave me

All alone with the memory

Of my days in the sun

If you touch me

You'll understand what happiness is

Look

A new day has begun

I wanna have sex with a rainbow in a bag of skittles..

Well.. I was thinking.. That I wanna have sex with a rainbow in a bag of skittles.. Then I would cum out a tasty, sweet rainbow..

Or maybe thats the shrooms talking.

Jk. I don't do shrooms.

<3

!~MeGa~DePrEsSiOn~!

I don't know what is wrong lately.. I've been so depressed.. I'm not sure.. I have an idea of what I'm upset about.. But I can't think about it.. God.. Where did I go wrong in my life so far? It all happened the day I was born, I bet. I've made bad decisions.. Here lately.. I think.. Why does it feel like almost everyone hates me..? I'm sure that the reason I'm so depressed is cause I had to make a hard choice.. I understand that a lot of people hates my ex.. He isn't as bad as I made him out to be.. I will give him that much.. But he broke me time and time again.. I'm nuts <3.. Everyone is gonna look at this and tell me im completely stupid. Yes, I love my boyfriend at this moment.. Yes I told my ex that I won't go back to him.. He's the one waiting.. I'm not sure, but some stuff he said got to me, made me think of the past.. Life is ok at the moment.. I'm just being a depressed idiot.

~H~E~L~L~

Wednesday night something horrible happened...

My ex messaged me on RuneScape... Ok, so yeah that doesn't sound so bad...

But it is. Lol.

Anyways, For the past few days he's doing every attempt to get me back... I'm with someone else and he doesn't want it to be that way, well hate to tell him.. but I'm happy where I am at now. I love being loved by Timothy, I do. I love him as well. But Chris has been trying and trying to get me back, I don't understand why though. What did I do to him to spark his interest in me. He told me it was because I was real and I wasnt fake and I was the only one that made him happy. News flash buddy... You can be happy... You don't need me... No one does really... Now if people would see it like I do then none of this would have happened. Anyways, he's been telling me all kinda shit like he can't live without me and he wants me back and that he loves me. Shit. Lol. He told me that the reason we broke up this past time is cause his Grandpa has cancer and Chris was pushing everyone away. He kept texting me and texting me. Anyways we talked on the phone last night...

He was trying all his desperate attempts to get me back...

He even had the fuckin balls to tell me he was going to kill himself. Seriously... I was freaked out... I think I upset Dee and Timothy when I told them that I was talking to him, trying to talk him out of suicide. I honestly hate that after before we hung up he told me he was just saying that for every desperate attempt to get me back. It made me so pissed off at him, and I told him that too.

Also, before we hung up he asked me to do him a favor... I said what is it... the he asked again... I knew what he was going to say, so reluctantly, I said yeah.

He asked me "Do you love him?"

I was silent..

Then he said that he wanted to hear it.

I said "I do." He started to cry and he said "What?"

Then I said "I do love him."

He started crying harder and then we hung up.

I got Timothy and Dee to three way me on the phone and we talked for a little bit then Dee decided to give Timothy his number..

I was so nervous, I didn't know what to do.

Timothy was nice to him, although he didn't have to be. I'm proud of my Love.

After three calls to Chris, I went to lay down and talk to Timothy, he talked me to sleep, as always... <3.

I woke up this morning and had four texts from Chris... They said..

"I love you. Sorry abt last night. I didn't mean it, if you really love him stay with him, im happy for you. Best of luck babygirl."

Then another one that said...

"I can't be your friend when you love somebody else, but I want you to know I'm going to wait for you, I know one day you'll realize I'm the right one for you to be with forever, have your fun with him.. I'm not going to date, only wait for my babygirl to come back.. I love you Amber. I really hope you realize before you graduate, I want you up here with me.. Let me put you thro school, and let me take care of you during it."

Well... I don't know what to think about it, I'm trying so hard not to think about it. I don't want him... I'm content and fine the way I am. Why me, I ask... Well, I guess it's cause I'm myself and that's what people like about me. I'm not sure. I'm not as great as everyone makes me out to be?

Not sure...

But whatever...

I'm off for now.

<3

xXx Ai Shiteru xXx Sabishii xXx

LovePeaceHug

..::{{AmByRaWrZ0Rz}}::..